Witterings

Besides the trivial meanderings of bloggerings herein and thereabouts, I have written screenplays (In Hollywood, Playing Willy) and am putting the finishing touches to my first novel, The Sublime Dramatic; a tale of science fiction, comedy and global conspiracies. News of that will be forthcoming, so please follow me on Twitter/Facebook for more information.

Within the pages here lies a treasure trove of total bollocks.  Why treasure trove? Because bollocks are testicles, which are colloquially known as family jewels - so treasure.  A trove? Well, as you can see from this intro - the trove is as drivelling as it is replete!

Answering the Spammers (part 2)

My lucky day. Got bored - so I replied again. This could be the one…!
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On 17 Feb 2016, at 09:32, Don Garcia <This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.> wrote:

Attention: Sir/Madam

RE:Second Notification of Request.

I am a personal attorney to late Mrs. Claudia and I hereby once again write to notify you through this means as my earlier Email returned undelivered. 

I wish to notify you that my late client Mrs. Claudia according to the contractual agreement made you the Heir/Inheritor to the deposit she had with Storage Company in South-Africa.Before her untimely death,she deposited a huge amount of money with a storage company. 

Being a widely traveled woman and relative of yours,I believed that both of you must have been in contact with each other in the past and she simply decided to surprise you with inheritance of the deposit.Mrs. Claudia until her death was a crude oil businesswoman, contractor, member of the Helicopter Society and the Institute of Electronic & Electrical Engineers. She was a very dedicated Religious person who has much passion for the less privileged. Her great philanthropy earned her numerous awards during her life time.

She died on the 2nd day of August 2010 at the age of 52 years. The storage company has issued me a notice as a witness and personal attorney to the deceased at the time of deposit to contact you as the Heir/Inheritor for immediate withdrawal. Otherwise, the deposit would be moved over to the government bonded warehouse as unclaimed or abandoned property.All the legal documents that will back up the claim of deposit are with me hence I require your cooperation to procure and present the affidavit of claim/inheritor to the storage company in order to get the fund retrieved in your favor.

This is not in any way illegal; because as an Attorney, I have made all the enquiries on South African Property/Fund Inheritance Release and I found out that according to the South-African Inheritance by law, all we need do is to identify you as the person stipulated in the contractual agreement and deposit certificate as the Heir/Inheritor.Thereafter, the storage company will automatically release the fund to you. As an attorney to the deceased, I guarantee the successful execution of this transaction because of my relationship with late Mrs. Claudia.

In order to accelerate the processes, I will like you to quickly response back to enable me provide you with more details and relevant documents that will be needed from the storage company immediately and finally schedule a visit with you to the Storage Company.

Lastly, we shall agree on my own percentage upon your final claim and withdrawal of the deposit.

Yours in service.

DON D. GARCIA.

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Dear Mr Garcia

I am writing to thank you for your email dated 17 February, reminding me of the untimely passing of my Great Aunt Claudia - or simply Mrs Claudia as she was known to you and I on more formal occasions (or when we we were working on the plantations with Solomon - that dude that looked like Chiwetel Ejiofor).

Firstly, I would like to apologise that you needed to send me a Second Notification of Request. As was widely travelled Great Aunty Claudia (Mrs Claudia) before her sudden death, I too am a crude oil business person. We both like to think of ourselves as simply oil business people, but far too many times were we both chastised by Great Uncle Werner for effin’n’jeffin’ at oil prices. “Fuck me, that bollocking oil is pricey today” she used to scream at the top of her voice. “Soapy tit wanks Mrs Claudia, why are you always so twatting foul-mouthed?”, I used to holler back. Such fun we used to have. Hence, with this profane and crude business of ours, time is quite limited. So, once again, please accept my most sincere apologies.

As you are probably aware, one of the reasons I lost contact with Great Aunty-plops Claudia (Mrs. Claudia), was that - despite promising to leave me her entire fortune (or a deposit thereof) - she only ever knew me as Sir/Madam. One of the great difficulties you must have had in writing to me, was referring to me as such; assuming that I would simply cast your note aside. But alas, this is what she insisted on calling me. For reference, my name is Eugène (yes, a Dutch name - proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am indeed South African and therefore, biologically and legally, her great nephew).

Being an attorney, you will understand my nervousness about replying to letters like this, but when you accurately specified that the deposit in the storage company was “huge”, I knew this letter was from someone of great legal standing - as you were aware that being so precise would prove to me your legal status and underline this message as being the real deal. I went through all our crude oil business statements, ran them through Sage, reconciled and printed the sums out. Grand total, before tax evasion: “Huge”. On top of that, you referred to Mrs Claudia being your late client. Shit the bed, if that doesn’t sound like the real Mrs Claudia, I don’t know what does! Always bloody late for everything.

Anyhoo, I digress. Thank you for pointing out that the money-laundering exercise you are proposing with a stranger (using my money I hope) is not in any way illegal. I was concerned to start with, but when you laid it out like that, my fears were put to rest. You pointed out that, as an attorney, you didn’t know the legalities to start with - but then made the necessary investigation and cleared it all up in your own mind and, thereafter, in mine. 

So, what do I need to send you to arrange this trip to the storage company? I would very much like to help you withdraw the deposit that was made and explore the relationship you said you had with the late Mrs Claudia (dude, enough with the ‘late’ jibes all the time - she’s dead!)

Yours in equal service,
Eugène T’Blanche

P.S. Don D. Garcia? First name Donald…middle name Duck…? Please say yes.

P.P.S. Did you fuck my great aunty?

Answering the Spammers

Deciding to interact with some of the ridiculous spammers who constantly fill my inbox.  Let’s hope one bites…

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. wrote:
Please pay attention to my excitement. But I think that today the right day to say about my intention personally to you.  I thought about it before but it was difficult to find the right words. But the interest to know you better - eating me up inside. And before you open up to me - I think it would be right to tell a little about me. If you are reading this letter - its mean that my courage has reached a level of impatience :) 

I want to find a man whom I’ll present the most intimate, the most precious thing a person has - my heart and soul! I maybe someone finds me attractive and sexy woman, but I want to know your opinion of me! Not every man can be happy with me - I’m not a girl for all. And I not chasing the crowd of fans. . 
real woman - is when a man is happy and sure in you 

I’m a woman who wants to take only the best from life and enjoy it till the end of time! Being a very hardworking and goal-oriented woman , I already have my own business which I plan to expand abroad also 

I think a real lady should also help her man financially! In such case they can reach even more together! 

I was born in a very happy family where love and care existed, but it didn’t last for long as my parents divorced. I understood my mother when she couldn’t forgive the betrayal of father. I couldn’t forgive it too! If a person betrayed once it will happen again and again and if it happened it means that there is no true and sincere love. Have you ever faced situations you couldn’t forgive? 

So, after experiencing it once in my life, I don’t want to face it again. I need a very strong family , where true love and positive emotions only will exist. I can give everything I have to my man , to my soul mate , so that’s why I’m here. 
I have not had a serious experience with men on the Internet. But to give up because I could not find someone - it is silly. Maybe you do not like silly woman - I’m not perfect, but I want to be special for my man. And yes, yes - I’m persistent. 

I’d like to make our meeting come true really soon! I feel we could reach it together! 

In spite of my young age,I already know what I want from life, so if you are serious in your search and intentions here , I will wait for your reply ! 

I hope for mutual communication. 

This is a serious and brave step for me - to write to you first. 

I hope that you would welcome the proposal to start something new today.

I’ll wait for your answer.
Best regards

Valeria ID557

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Dear Valeria

I just paid attention to your excitement and I can honestly say that I was overwhelmed.

Never has paying attention to someone’s excitement enthralled me as much as yours most certainly did. Hearing the news that today is the right day that you will tell me about your intention personally to me has caught me off guard somewhat. Then hearing that you are being eaten up inside simply terrified me. Have you tried Alka Seltzer? Perhaps your courage, reaching the level of importance that it has, may stop you seeking medical advice; but please do go and see a doctor. He may well be able to help you with the most intimate and precious thing that you wanted to show me (I must confess, I initially thought you were referring to your little muffin - oh, how I smiled).

Asking my opinion of you, after just one email (albeit a very concise and well written one), is something I was surprised at. Obviously you are a very intelligent an articulate woman. Attractive and sexy, no doubt - as you said so yourself. Someone who (some) men aren’t happy with, not a girl for all and not chasing fans (you should underplay these references - they don’t sell you very well). I can’t offer much more of an opinion than that. I’m sorry Valeria.

However, I can offer you a solution to one of your problems. You say you want to be a real woman - and that this simply takes a happy man who is sure in you. Now, you obviously picked up from my email address (which is all I assume that you have in terms of information on me?) that I am a very happy man indeed. Part one taken care of! But, I am not sure in you. Some detractors would say I don’t even know you! So, am I the solution to your problem? Can I make you a real woman? Not really - but I know someone who can! My neighbour Geppetto had a son who yearned to be a real boy and, with a little help from his pet cricket and some fairy dust, he turned into a real boy! I will try to dig out his mobile phone number for you.

It’s all sounding very dismal isn’t it - like I’m not enchanted by your message. But, have no fear. Something you wrote caught my attention and I would like to discuss this further. Putting aside your globally expanding business and its need for financial input from your chosen man (please pick me, please pick me!), I notice that you dropped in the fact that you have the ability to live forever. 

Now if that isn’t worth investing in, I don’t know what is! You went on, after dropping in this bombshell, to talk about your family life (I’m so glad your mother understood your father; language barriers can be a nightmare!) and betrayal. To be fair, you did bleat on about that bit for a while. Blah blah blah. Cheating dad etc. Come on! You can live forever Valeria! Do you not see how important a thing that is? They say time heals. You are immortal! The medicine in your cabinet is never ending! Smile for fuck’s sake!

I’m so sorry about my language - most people who know me understand that I can be a bit brash sometimes. Back to your letter.

So, you are looking for a soul mate? A soul mate who you are prepared to give everything you have to (are we talking about your muffin yet? LOL. Smiley face). I can see that you have tried and failed to find men on the Internet (with your dextrous use of the English language, your normal demand in asking for money from strangers and your claims of immortality, that really does surprise me).

Well - you stumbled across the right guy! You want our meeting to come true really soon and feel we could reach it together (muffin time! ROFL. Smiley face). Yes, yes, yes. I DO like silly women. Silly, imperfect, persistent, young women who know what they want from life and are willing to do everything they possibly can (like write such a wonderful email and bulk send it out to horrible men who will just think it is junk) to get it! 

So, your wishes for mutual communication after your very courageous first approach have come true. I am writing to you to let you know that I am leaving my beautiful fiancée and coming to you to start something new today! I assume you are in Russia or Nigeria, so I will board the next flight to Moscow or Abuja (I’ll decide at the airport which city I will head for after getting a little drunk - I don’t like flying).

Could you forward me some cash for the flights please. I’m not very well off and I could do with some new shoes as well. I don’t want you to see me looking so shabby at the wedding! Maybe forward me your bank details and I’ll sort out the admin?

Anyway, I am rambling. I am so very much looking forward to meeting you, your muffin and your donkey and hope that you find me as equally gorgeous as I imagine you and your unhappily betrayed family are.

I love you so much.
Your prince, Benedict. x

To Pass Intestinal Gas Through the Anus (in Trump Major)

There’s no one more whom I revile than Mr Donald Trump;
A dick engorged by nullity, the US penis pump;
Redneck fear of difference gives voice to witless scum
And arms the crazy bigots with their bibles and their guns.

In Europe, yeah, we’ve got our bigots and our National Front
And Hitler was a naughty boy - let’s face it, quite a cunt.
But Trump’s appeal is something strange, a boorish fucking clown;
I stand bemused that anyone would want him to be crowned.

Perhaps they want the crown to cover up his nylon rug?
Perhaps they want him on the stage to stand near sparking plugs?
Perhaps they cry for Donald Trump because they hate mankind?
Perhaps it’s just a case of them not being sound of mind?

All I know is danger lurks when fuck-wits follow fools;
When dumb-ass zealots put their faith in monumental tools.
“Let’s banish Muslims, Mexicans and maybe menstrual rage!
Reporter’s disabilities? Let’s mock that shit on stage!”

Donald Trump, you’re nothing more than pond life with some cash;
Irritating but less welcome than a sexual rash.
USA, you’ve let us down. O say can you not see?
We used to think of Franklin D and now it’s Donald T.

O beautiful for spacious skies, for amber waves of grain;
America pull up your pants and douse that Trump piss-stain.

Insomnia (The 2nd Movement)

Insomnia, it strikes again,
As I lie wide awake.
My brain spins round and thoughts abound
As daylight starts to break.

I toss and turn, I watch TV,
I drink some Ovaltine.
I count some sheep to get some sleep
But dreams remain unseen.

As dawn begins to rise its head,
I panic in dismay.
I need a hug (or endless drugs)
To make it through the day.

With no one here to hold my hand,
I start to pace around.
The bastard birds awake in herds,
Their tweeting starts to sound.

I start to twitch and something snaps;
I reach beneath my bed.
My patience done, I grab my gun;
I’ll shoot the fuckers dead!

As birdies fall down one by one
And shots rings through the sky,
The sirens scream and some SWAT team
Decides to pass on by.

Now standing in my boxer shorts,
A shotgun in my hands
And laser sights beam through the night;
I may have peed my pants.

Insomnia, it struck again
But now I’m feeling well.
I’ve been chastised, I’m tranquilised
And banged up in a cell.

And as I drift to sleepy land,
I can’t help shed a tear.
As Psycho Fred climbs in my bed
And nuzzles on my ear.

All Works Copyright © 2017 Benedict Francis

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